Monday, October 7, 2013

As my heart breaks.

I got a call today. The caller ID said Kori. I had to finish up something then went to call my dear friend, my kindred spirit,my sister I have never met,back.
I met Kori through YouTube. Evidently she likes terrible videos of a middle aged chick trying to recapture the style and grace of the 40's and 50's and such. She put up with my terrible lighting and connected with my...just,everything.
As my RSD got worse she became my biggest and most vocal cheerleader. Even when I stopped filming, she contacted me and we started chatting online. She wanted me to know I wasn't alone, she understood chronic pain. Even when she was hurting,she helped me through these past months when I didn't even know my own name. She handled her pain with a grace I cannot even describe. She taught me grace in the midst of suffering.
I have a voice mail from Kori on my phone from the 3rd. Just checking on me. Telling me she loved me and that I was in the family's prayers. This damn disease eats my days. I didn't know this many days had gone by.
I didn't listen to today's voice mail. ' just called expecting to hear "Hello dolly-pop" on the other end.
Kori is in ICU. She is intubated and on a paralytic.I can't breathe as I write these words. My mind, body, and soul scream out against them.
Kori has an amazing husband. He wanted to tell me personally because he knows the connection his wife and I have. He gets that even though we have never met, we are sisters.  He told me this news with such love and peace in his voice. He has turned her over to God and is at peace with whatever happens next. I am in awe at his faith and the depth of his love for his wife.
I am shattered. We spoke a handful of days ago. I heard her voice not long ago.
We have no idea what tomorrow holds. We must make every day we have count.
Kori is hovering between this world and the next. We don't know what the infection is. No idea how to fight it. Kori has suffered so much pain, every day she has lived with a companion we have in common, excruciating pain. She dealt with that companion with grace. She taught me so much. My Kori isn't gone yet. She is, as of now, still here. I don't want to loose her, her husband and little children need her. Yet they know that God is in control an if she never wakes up, she will be dancing and running and will have no pain in heaven.
This woman, whom I have never met, has a huge piece of my heart. I have had to stop and start so many times as I write this. My pillow is soaked. Kori, I have tears in my ears honey...
My heart is shattered. My dear friend is in critical condition. Why didn't I call back sooner. Why can't I keep track of days. I was going to call. I hate my meds,they have stolen time.  Time is so precious. Dammit Kori I want you to wake up and read this and make fun of me for being a big baby. If you can't, if you are just too tired, if you can't fight anymore and it's time to lay down your sword and go home...then go my sweet girl. You wonderful husband has told me you will be waiting for him. I don't want to lose you and it's so selfish of me to want you to wake up back into this world of pain we share. I got used to having you here. I got used to not being alone. I'm scared. I know how selfish this is. You have kids and a family that need you so much. I just want you to know I need you too. Just like you told me not so long ago...
Kori is in ICU. The world needs to stop for just a second and say a prayer for her and her family. I know that she is a fighter but, in this, I know she has given the battle to God. No matter which way it goes, she wins.
I love you Kori and I really hope you read this one of these days and call to laugh at me. If not, you will still be laughing. Either way, I wish you deep and restful sleep and the complete absence of pain.
This song has been engraved into my very being for a long time. It is something we share.
Listen to the words and think of Kori. Leonard Cohen says it best, If it be Your will.
I'm doing this from my bed on my cell phone so, if the link doesn't work, look up the song. Really listen to the words. It's important.
Love and light to you all.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Off on an adventure. Homeschool?

So, I haven't been around in a while. Well, there are several good reasons for that. One, CRPS sucks and I've been really bad off with it. Can't even use my regular wheelchair by myself now. Time for a motorized one.
Two...I'm going to start homeschooling my son.
Ok, I'll wait for the horrified gasps to die down. Yes, I'm doing it. My son has been done a huge disservice by the public school system. Before you start with the "oh yes, another mom who thinks her precious boy can do no wrong" I am not that mom. My son is not perfect. He is a good kid and is not a trouble maker but, he is not perfect. No child is.
My son is on the autism spectrum and require some additional help. The school system was supposed to provide this help. They didn't. They ignored him. By ignored I mean...ignored. I had to do something. So, I've decided to home school.
I've spent any time I'm not writhing in pain or hooked up to a monitor in a hospital, finding out what I need to do to become a registered home school. Now...I'm almost ready.
Have you ever considered homeschool or did you homeschool your kids?  I'd love to hear about it.
I will let you know how it goes...and throw a victory roll or two in for good measure...